I have struggled with not being able to say “no” for much of my life. Early on I found saying “yes” was the fastest way to gain others’ acceptance, love and attention. Until it wasn’t. For years I didn’t realize I had the ability to say “no” to what was sometimes masked as love and care, but was often potentially hurtful, inconsiderate, or even abusive. The inability to say “no,” has chipped away at my soul, breaking my heart. I often traded me for someone else. The level of people-pleasing I had mastered was top-tier.

Recently I have been thinking about this inability and how it has affected me. What prompted this reflection was a lay-off early last year. No warning, no prep time…just, “due to cuts, we have to let you go.” It hit harder than I was prepared for, really. I thought I was moving forward and then all of a sudden my situation had shifted. And now I had more time than I expected and spent much of it questioning what was next, and who was I, now.

As I reflected, I began to see a disturbing pattern in my life. I couldn’t remember how many life choices and decisions I had made just for me. It seemed they mostly had some connection to someone else’s need. At first I thought that I was being a little dramatic and moody, after all, I had been removed from the thing that I thought defined my life, my career. So I did feel a little “kicked to the curb.” But as I continued to sit with my thoughts and really dig into those patterns, I found that for the majority of my life, I had made so many choices to please other people…including my career. And that made me sad…and then very angry.

Why did I feel I had to make other people’s desires or needs my burden, and choose things based on that, especially when it often affected my life and the things I truly wanted. This self-examination was sometimes very painful for me, but it was very necessary to explore; especially if I was going to find my way to peace and true contentment. This pattern of reducing myself in my relationships, because I wanted to please, established a loneliness and doubt that I didn’t always understand. I have been in many relationships that took more from me than I really wanted to give but I was afraid not to. There was often a fear of being rejected or judged harshly for speaking my heart. It was just easier to go along with what would reduce conflict. It was, for me, a means of acceptance.

What I am learning is that in each of our relationships we must come from a place of love if we are going to grow and thrive. When we react or respond to others out of fear (fear of rejection, fear of loneliness, fear of being our true self), we are giving the other person a power over us that God never intended. As we become victims of our own fears in our relationships, then our interactions become false responses and coping mechanisms, and not love. Our motives become altered when we say “yes” without love. We suffer the consequences of having to maintain those relationships based on the fears we live with. And we do not give those we interact with our real selves. It’s crazy hard work to keep up appearances. And it isn’t sustainable.
In my time with Him, the Lord showed me this simple, yet powerful, instruction:

“But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’
For whatever is more than these is from the evil one..”
(Matthew 5: 37-NKJV)

Jesus tells us to love others as we love ourselves (Mark 12:30-31). I believe in these verses, He means for us to approach all of our relationship connections with respect and compassion. But, I also believe he gives us safe boundaries in which we can love others without sacrificing our dignity, purity, and inner peace. The Lord never asked us to be “people pleasers.” He requires us to love others as we love ourselves, but we cannot love ourselves without first loving God.

³⁰  Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’^[a] 31 The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’^[b] There is no commandment greater than these.” Mark 12:30-31 (NIV)

Basically, no matter how much we want to be loved, accepted and pleasing, we have to know when to say “no” to things that challenge our well-being, our spiritual growth and our ability to love unconditionally. A powerful verse that supports this says to “guard your heart with all diligence, for out of it flow the issues of life.” (Proverbs 4:23)

There is an anointing to say “no” with love and conviction to others, when necessary. And the Lord supports our protecting our heart and our spirit from damage and disrepair. But when it is right to say “no” depends on our ability to hear the Holy Spirit guiding and directing us.

In order for us to have God’s direction, we have to commit to making time to sit with the Lord in prayer and in His Word. Doing this often, allows God the opportunity to deposit into us the love and strength it requires to be our true selves in all of our relationships. Through Him we will obtain the courage to say “yes” or “no” in love, and with conviction. While this will change the way we interact with others we have relationship with, we may still have times when saying “no” will be challenging. This is because we are human and sometimes knowing which way to answer may be clouded by our inward struggles. The importance of pressing into the knowledge and wisdom of the Holy Spirit, through consistent interaction with Him and His Word, is the key to opening our eyes to what is for us and what is not.

Until next post, blessings. vw1.